She Won't Reveal 22

           She Won’t Reveal (22)

                      Nidhu Bhusan Das

Nilu and Amal are now in Derhadun.It’s summer. The climate’s mild. Nestled in the Doon Valley between the Ganges on the east and the Yamuna on the west in the Garhwal Himalaya, the city is famous for its picturesque landscape and vegetation. This is the place far better than Kolkata for Nilu to live at this stage of her pregnancy. The ancestral house of Amal is spacious and elegant. The child in her womb’s grown.Amal doesn’t keep her alone. He or his trusted maid, pretty and cheerful Babita, is always with her. The change in her physique’s prominent.Amal loves her, and is proud of being the father of the child she bears. But Anu’s lost her sparkle and robust optimism. She cannot share his joy. She knows it isn’t time for her to be mother which hinders the fulfillment of her dream. Moreover, she’s going to give birth to a love child, outside marriage. She won the game of sex several times, and at last lost it to Amal. Trapped now, she doesn’t know if Amal will marry her, or just go on with live-together. He doesn’t show any enthusiasm to suggest that he will marry. Rather he’s happy to lord over her.

              Nilu knows about the Devadasi system in Assam. It has overtones including erotic one. It’s a tribal practice and tantric rite.Nilu looks upon Devadasis as bonded women. She feels she’s now a bonded woman, a victim of sexual exploitation.Anu couldn’t be unaware of such exploitation.

Amal is masculine in all aspects, and Nilu like masculinity. Yet she cannot like Amal although he’s vigorous in bed. He’s bestial vigour while Jyotirmoy and Jerry have beauty in their approach. They’ve the art and refinement while he’s crude.Her possibilities are doomed, being under the control of Amal.He knows the game better than she does. He now isn’t against her going back to Kolkata or Amlarem. But she cannot return for obvious reason. She cannot face Jyotirmoy or Anu. She doesn’t know Anu’s in trouble. Jyotirmoy and Jerry telephone her but she cannot express herself because she isn’t free. Both Nilu and Anu’ve a kind of identical problem, though they‘re in different situation. But one thing’s common. Both of them live in a world of fiction. It’s like this:

“ In the small circle of pain within the skull
You still shall tramp and tread one endless round
Of thought, to justify your action to yourselves,
Weaving a fiction which unravels as you weave,
Pacing forever in the hell of make-believe
Which never is belief: this is your fate on earth
And we must think no further of you.”

 -third priest in Murder in the Cathedral by T.S. Eliot

             Nilu justifies her association and sex with Amal. She tells herself, ‘I did it to pursue my dream. Amal’s the person through whom I got to Jyotirmoy.This happens in the world. Connections are important. You cannot go high without connection.’

Anu’s also her justifications for her omissions and commissions. She ratiocinates: ‘What else could I do being the victim of parental neglect? Arup’s there who understood by loneliness empathetically. True, I lost him because of my whims and caprices. Maybe, I asked too much from him. His parents were so good. They’d call me MAA. They’re very affectionate. It’s my fault I couldn’t be their daughter-in-law. But Arup’s also to be blamed. He misunderstood and tilted to Mita which I couldn’t accept. Well, I could have been tactical which I’m now. But being tactical is not also beyond criticism, and I cannot bring to bear that. I’ve taken to Tantra Sadhana for salvation. But here are again strategies and stratagems. This is irritating. Whenever I’m questioned, explicitly or implicitly, I’m irritated. I misbehave, even with well wishers. Now I’m on the plateau, don’t know what to do. Yes, I’m headstrong and arrogant. I understand I am not on the right track, cannot prevent mistakes. So, I’m irritated, always.But what can I do?’

But Anu’s her Thammi to fall back upon. She won’t go against her advice. She’s her mentor, if not Guru. But Thammi’s her last resort, she believes.Nilu’s none to rely on right now. She doesn’t care what her parents tell. She believes her parents cannot understand the world of literati. Both are boastful, but Anu gives in to Thammi. This is positive aspect of Anu, and right now Nilu’s without any hope.

              They’re now in the bath tub.Amal fondles her. They’re locked in a kiss.Nilu looks more and more beautiful as her pregnancy advances. Amal likes it. He hasn’t yet decided what he’ll do – marry her or continue to live together as long as desirable to both of them. In fact, Amal isn’t sure about the next course of action of Nilu. An ambitious girl can do anything to get her dream fulfilled. Emotion, feeling and such other considerations don’t carry them. Amal himself doesn’t attach importance to such things. He won’t have any remorse if she leaves her after the birth of the child. Of course he’ll feel defeated. So, he’s strategies to keep her bound. Both of them know they’ve the strategic relation sans emotion. The embryo’s going to be born as a pleasure-child. She may not love the child as is expected of a mother. The child’s unwanted for her. She’s for the termination of the pregnancy even now. But he won’t let it happen anyway. He’s chained her, and would see to it that she cannot get unshackled. Already he’s sent messages to Jyotirmoy and Jerry that Nilu’s going to be mother of his child. News to this effect has been spread in Amlarem.Anu would have come to know it had she not been in her self-made trouble.Amal’s for now sure Nilu’s nowhere to go. She’s no other alternative but to stay with him like an obedient housewife or a partner-in-sex.

              Anu doesn’t have any such problem. She’s able to restrain herself and resist amorous advances.

             They’re now in the bath tub. The bath tub really is the place haunted by Eros and love-juice oozes out and pastes them. Now they’re busy making love. Past and future aren’t their concern at the moment when lust turns into love and confirms their physical and emotional union. This is the moment of bliss, and they would like the moment be infinite.Nilu feels Amal, who has the physical prowess and erotic excellence is the right person for her.Amal thinks she’s his girl, and would never part from her, come what may. The mirrors on the walls reflect their image-in-union. The water in the tub gives off the aroma secreted from their bodies and thus enhances their fixation.

            Back in Amlarem, another Himalayan location of idyllic beauty, Anu’s in a fix. Everything around appears to be grey to her. She’s in remorse, and cannot decide what to do to prevent an impending disaster. She’s navigated many a time the turbulent sea of trouble and negotiated adverse situations. This time even Thammi doesn’t support her whimsical actions. She’s been asked to face the music. She ponders, cool and meditative. She must tide over the problem of her own creation. True, she who ties the knot can untie it. So, Anu must unmake what she’s made, rebuild the bridges she’s unbuilt with her parents, Prafullada and Angshu. Maybe, interested parties, if any, will come in the way and try to unhinge her mind but, she knows, she shouldn’t go against the advice of Thammi. Sujata and Prof. Sanyal are there to help her. She understand, they’re her friends in need and in their presence she’s going to regain her strength and good sense. (  continued on  16 October 2014 )