I can't say

Nidhu Bhusan Das : ‘Do you believe I run after you?’ This question during the online chat last night stirred me into thinking. Why she should run after me, I thought. I know her from university days. She did M.A. in Bengali and has a first class. She joined Narsingdi College as a lecturer, and now, a couple of years from retirement, is a professor and Head of the Department of Bengali. Her daughter is at Harvard, the USA, doing PhD on endangered languages of Indian sub-continent. She has been single since her husband Dr. Nazmul Hoq left her to settle at Oxford with Rokeya. Estranged Ruby was Rokeya’s roommate at Samsunnahar Hall, Dhaka University. Nazmul is my friend. In fact, I tried to salvage their marriage and keep them together. Nazmul would not return to Bangladesh and Ruby was determined to stay back in the country for which she fought in the liberation war in 1971. I couldn’t bridge the gulf. Yet, both of them are my friends. I remember Ruby was very happy with Nazmul. She was warm to Nazmul’s friends and would play a nice host to them in their cozy home at Dhanmondi. What actually was the cause of their difference and separation is still beyond my comprehension. What I know is that they remain updated about each other through me. Nazmul once suggested he would be happy if Ruby shunned her cloistered life and be with me. I didn’t respond. I thought I was fine being alone, particularly after I had seen their happy marriage collapse. I never looked upon Ruby as anyone other than my friend’s wife. I cannot understand why she posed the question. We have regular chat but never do we make any suggestion which could appear to be romantic advance. Then why should she run after me? There is no question of my believing so. How can I tend to believe what I have never thought of? Ruby has turned silly, indeed. Tonight we shall be online as usual at 10 p.m. I didn’t answer the question last night and I understand she would not repeat the question. Still I am scared. She may ask’ Do you think I’m inclined to you?’ or be mockingly categorical,’ Don’t think I’m impulsive.’ To speak the truth, I am at a loss as to what should be my response in the delicate situation. Should I try to understand her mind and explore what has been the development which causes her to think anew about me? Is it that Nazmul hinted to her in a direct interaction that he wouldn’t mind Ruby being with me when both of us are inching towards sixty? Nazmul, though separated, is quite concerned about Ruby. Maybe, Ruby is hurt at the suggestion possibly Nazmul has made to her since she still loves him. Or, she may mean that she really loves me and wants me to believe it. Well, if she repeats the question I may perhaps take it for granted that she loves me. If this is the thing what should be my response is a big question for me to find answer. Okay, let me not ponder over ifs. Rather, I should decide on my response in case of such an eventuality. Should I change my mind and be prepared to welcome a romantic advance? I know I’m scared of woman. I dare not look a woman in the eyes. The question Ruby has posed stirs in me a desire to answer, a new feeling. Maybe, Ruby is disturbed; the experiences of marriage, love and estrangement have made her bitter and impulsive. I have no such experience, I am not distraught. Only her question stirs me. This is the first time I have been asked such a question. I don’t know what could be my reaction had I been asked the question by anyone like Ruby during my university days. I saw many in the campus preoccupied with affairs and many of the affairs turned into marriages. I, then, wondered why no girl would come near me. That much, and I would go back to my room and the lonely world of thought. What I could do in my youth I cannot do near the age of retirement. I have come to feel I am quite alone in my house with no emotional bonding and no roommate. A kind of helplessness creeps in. Is it the reason why I am stirred by the question of Ruby? Is it that Ruby feels drawn to me? Well, if Ruby raises the issue tonight, even obliquely, I feel I should say, ‘Yes, I believe. What does it matter?’ If she asks how I have come to understand I will reply, ‘I can’t say.’ Will Ruby smile and continue to finger the keyboards to write the scrisp message:’ I understand’?