She Won't Reveal 20

          She Won’t Reveal (20)

                   Nidhu Bhusan Das

Professor Sanyal didn’t expect it. Usually his mother doesn’t call him up at this time of the day when she sets to work at office.Sujata’s telephone at 10.15 a.m. made him apprehensive.” Why does she call now…anything wrong!” he thought, anxious.

“Hello son, are you at home?” Sujata asked, her voice trembling.

“Yes, MAA. What’s wrong?”

“I’m coming, please wait.”

            Sujata ran out of the office, took an auto and rushed to Prof. Sanayal’s flat. She’s stunned.” Alas! We couldn’t save the situation,” she cried to herself. Moments seemed to be stationary to her; the auto appeared to be dead slow, more so because of the traffic jam, which has become a chronic problem in Guwahati these days. She found herself snarled up in the traffic, only ten minutes away on foot from her son’s flat. She’d no time to wait. She paid the fare, disembarked and reached the flat fleet-footed. The Prof was awaiting her with bated breath. He waddled into the corridor, stood in front of the lift. Sujata’s perspiring and they hurtled into the room. The professor caressed his mom, cautiously asked why she’s so upset. Overwhelmed with grief and anxiety, Sujata couldn’t speak out for some time. The Professor fetched and offered her a glass of water. Sujata began to cry like someone moaning. Minutes passed and she moaned,” Very bad news, son!”

“What’s that, MAA?” he asked, concerned.

“Anu resigned.”

“What! Are you sure? Why, what happened?”

“I don’t know, I’m told she’s resigned. The reason’s unknown.”

“It’s unfortunate, maybe a rash action.”

“I telephoned her over and over again, but she’s not-reachable.”

“Now do it again, we must know and persuade her to withdraw.”

“Would you talk to her, son? I’m broke.”

“Connect her.”

           Sujata made a call again. The call matured.

“Hello! How’re you Sujata?” Anu responded, her voice infirm and trembling.

“Is it true, you’ve resigned?” Sujata asked, overwhelmed.

“Not untrue, I’ve,” Anu didn’t mince words.

“Why’ve you decided to do so? You’ve again acted recklessly,” sujata’s critical of Anu for the first time.

          Anu’d already begun to realize she could no longer bulldoze those who feel for and so long have stood by her. Thammi’d criticized her, Prafullada appeared to be disenchanted and Angshu might feel uncomfortable. It’s a new situation for her. So long she’d not allowed anyone to question her commissions and omissions. She won’t brook any contrary view of even her parents. Then Thammi’d stand by her, indulgent. Now, obviously, she stood alone.

“Maybe, but I feel relieved,” said Anu after a long pause.

“You said the same thing after you broke with Arup.It’s your typical nonchalance and self-deception,” commented Sujata.

“Please, Sujata, don’t be cruel to me. You don’t know the situation which forced me to take the decision,” Anu began to cry.

“Well, tell me,” asked Sujata.

“Not now. I’ll tell you, but let the dust settle first,” Anu tried to dodge Sujata who thought it useless to argue with her who didn’t learn to yield and accept opinion.

“Well, talk to my son” Sujata handed over the handset to Prof. Sanyal.

“Auntie, we’re reaching your place tomorrow to understand,” said the professor tersely and returned the set to Sujata who terminated the conversation simply saying,” Okay, see you tomorrow, bye for now.”

            Anu’s yet to realize that she’s insolent. Her Sadhana, of late, has reinforced her belief that she cannot make any mistake, have any error of judgement. It’s like the assumption that the Queen of England cannot do any wrong. Is it? Sadhana, she isn’t willing to believe, cannot be divorced from life. Is it renunciation that she’s for? Obviously, she isn’t sure. She’s for enjoyment of life. She’s been unable to forget her days with Arup.  Once she, in a poignant moment, confided to Sujata “the memories of those days and of the merry situations together bring tears in the corners of the eyes.” Yet she persuades herself to believe Sadhana would provide her a much coveted salvation. She told Sujata that Arup would every night call her to make her remember to take medicine. They’d profound feeling for each other. Her caprices disenchanted him, and this could be one of the reasons he opted out of India and went to the USA to study medicine. Now it’s obvious her hamartia’s her inconsistent thought coupled with insolence.

           The professor decided they would start at 5 the next morning aboard a hired car so that they could reach Amlarem by 9 a.m. The car had already been hired. They’d been burdened with terrible thoughts, and, therefore, couldn’t enjoy the lunch.

Post-lunch they set to analyse the mind of Anu. Sujata recalled her friend’s recent rash comments and shared them with her son so that he could understand her recent state of mind.

“You don’t know son how she’s behaved with Angshu recently over a trifle. And he’s very upset.”

“What’s that, how do you know?”

“In fact, I telephoned Anu. She’d hurried to the market in a flurry following a hot talk with Angshu, leaving behind the handset. Angshu received the call. He said Hello in agony, I understood. His voice appeared to be choked.”

“Then?” the professor’s curious, anxiously.

“He said Anu called him a liar, inhuman, ungrateful, and hurled at him different other invectives.”

“What for? What’d Angshu done to invite her ire?”

“Angshu simply wanted to know why Arup’s so curious about her. He also said he couldn’t like her being involved in oblations forgetting food and sleep. It told upon her body and mind.”

“She should have understood his spirit, his concern for her.”

“That’s the problem with her. She wants unquestioned loyalty. She likes sycophancy.”

“Who’re her sycophants? Do you know about some of them?”

“I don’t know, she must have some who’ve influence on her, who may be all praise for her parapsychological abilities.”

“People who’re influenced by adoration invite their own doom. You cannot save them. When you demonstrate your knowledge to gain cheap praise, you’re lost in a fool’s paradise. True, knowledge’s power, but if you try to acquire and use knowledge to be powerful, you choose the flight to self-destruction. I don’t think she should be so silly.”

“Tell her this tomorrow. Try to point out her follies and foibles, or she’ll lose the battle of life.”

“Is she interested to win the battle? Do you think so?”

“She dreams ambitious dreams, I can tell you for certain. She fancies she’s in the path of salvation through sadhana, but her dreams are rooted in the mundane, the temporal.”

“Let’s see and have a rest. Try to sleep, go to your room, forget that for now at least,” said the professor, and ambled to his room. ( continued on 2^nd October 2014 )

She Won't Reveal 19

        She Won’t Reveal (19)

                                      Nidhu Bhusan Das

Silence reigns in the bungalow and outside Nature’s in her vernal rhythm with the verdant vegetation in sleep. It’s past midnight. Angshu’s fast asleep unaware of what’s been the conversation between his mom and Prafulla uncle who’s sleepless reflecting on his decision to depart soon and the reaction of Anu who hasn’t have her dinner after a long and arduous journey back home. Again he feels the bond and a kind of indecision has gripped his mind. What will he do – leave or review his decision? He’s evidently in two minds. What goes on in the mind of the plant when its flowers fade and die, or are plucked, he tries to understand. He feels the plant’s in bereavement, shorn of her flowers.

             Anu lies relaxed like a corpse, a yoga posture which helps one to be oblivious of the physical existence, and to transcend. But the turbulence is yet on. She tries to remember the sea voyage between Kolkata and Port Blaire with parents when the school was in summer vacation in 2001. She’s 14.Still she remembers the sea is placid beyond the coast. She enjoyed the journey. She’s learnt to compare the mind with the sea. She understands the turbulence is on the fringes only, and tranquility exists at the core of the mind as the sea far beyond the coast is, in normal condition, placid. Often she concentrates on deep the sea to get back the tranquil mind.

Uneasy lies the head which concentrates on and tries to hammer home a belief that love and affection is possible while relevant emotions don’t generate spontaneously. Belief and emotions are different. Sometimes, a belief may be translated into emotion which Prafullada has tried this night. Rolling on the bed almost the whole night he’s tried to understand if it would be wise and morally correct to desert Anu at this juncture when she’s impulsively resigned and left LIC.Prafullada’s against impulsive action. So, he reflects on the evolving situation and feels Anu’s heading towards a serious crisis, and she’ll be friendless if he leaves. At dawn he’s in the garden. The flowers are abloom. He won’t allow even Anu to pluck any of them. If she insists, he’ll tell her why he forbids. If she doesn’t listen, he’ll go and silently melt away for ever and ever. He broods while the

Fresh air of the wee hours washes his face and rejuvenates his heart and mind.

              Angshu enjoys a sound sleep in the room right to that of Anu. The door is ajar. Anu’s stirred out of the room for a few minutes and goes back hearing the call of Thammi. The curtain of the door of the room to the left of hers is still in a stir. Thammi’s face to face with her. She feels the warmth of the hug of Thammi.

“What’s wrong with you, Anu?” asks Thammi in a wet voice.

“You know that, Thammi!” said Anu, indulgent.

“I understand you’re in trouble.”

“I’m,” Anu bursts into tears.

“And you’ve invited the trouble!”

“Yes, I ignored your suggestion and acted instinctively.”

“You shouldn’t have resigned.”

“But I couldn’t pull on.”

“You’re impulsive, and that’s your problem.”

“Thammi, won’t you help me?”

“I’m always with you. What about Prafulla and Angshu?”

“Prafullada’s said he’d leave.”

“Why?”

“He hasn’t said.”

“Have you asked?”

‘No.”

“You should have.”

“Can’t you tell me?”

“I can, but won’t. You yourself try to understand,” said Thammi, caressing her.

“But Thammi, can’t you talk to him and tell not to leave?”

“That’s possible, but I would like to see you tackle the problem rationally. You must be self-reliant. I mayn’t be always at your beck and call.”

“Help me to be rational.”

“If you’re rational, he won’t desert you.”

“Is he angry with me?” she asks, imbecile.

“Not angry but disappointed.”

“Is it because I’ve left the job?”

“Maybe. But he’s fed up with your silly thought and behaviour.”

“Am I really silly, Thammi?” she asks like an emotional fool.

“Should I say NO?” she asks, perturbed.

“Don’t be silly, Thammi. I’m serious.”

“For how long, dear! You’re mercurial. Haven’t learnt from experience.”

“Do you really know why Arup left you?”

“I persuaded him to marry Mita.”

“You did it to cover up your failure.”

“What’s my failure, Thammi?”

“You’d been capricious, really whimsical. He’s scared.”

“I’m no longer whimsical, Thammi.”

“You think so, but haven’t changed. You’ve wild dreams. Okay, now let’s sleep. Talk to Prafulla and Angshu soon after you get up. Don’t drag me into the conversation.”

           Thammi went to her room. Anu perceives Thammi’s perturbed and is in anomie. She’d definitely have a session with Prafullada and Angshu.  She walks to the corridor overlooking the garden, looks at the azure sky above. The east is bright, the sun’s about to rise. The beauty in Nature always hypnotizes her. The scene’s mesmerizing. She drinks the beauty, and is lost in thought. What’s irked Prafullada, why did Thammi tell her to talk to Angshu also? Is there anything wrong with Angshu? Will Angshu also leave me?

            She remembers she’s rude with Angshu the day she resigned. He politely asked her why she’d taken that decision and murmured that it’s a wrong step. At once she became furious and burst out,”Angshu, try to behave. I ain't supposed to give an explanation." 
Taken aback, Angshu said," You've taken a wrong decision,MAA." 
"Ooo ! Shut up...You needn’t pass opinion. Your opinion doesn’t count to me. In fact, I don’t count the opinion of anybody, not even of my parents.”
          She understands now Thammi’s also disturbed. She ignored her opinion against taking any decision instinctively. Again she did the same thing. She’s realized she hasn’t learnt from experience. She’s headstrong, whimsical, impulsive, mercurial, intolerant and prejudiced.

 True, she’s a clean mind, and she’s liberal and philanthropic. She believes people indiscriminately, and comes to disbelieve anyone instantly because she doesn’t like people to argue with her, question her. She isn’t a good listener and won’t have anybody to put forward a counterpoint. The impending meeting with Prafullada and Angshu will be a turning point. (To be continued on 25 September 2014)

She Won't Reveal 18

           She Won’t Reveal (18)

 

            
                                            Nidhu Bhusan Das

  Amlarem’s charming in the spring. No thunder and lightning of summer and bitter cold of winter.Prafullada looks on. Beautiful flowers in the garden and lush green Nature beyond are mesmerizing. We may look at Nature to drink her undefiled beauty, to draw solace from her when we’ve the troubled mind or just to show that we love her. For Prafullada, Nature is all he likes to be with. She’s her first and last love. He doesn’t know why he’s come to look upon Anu as his sister. He’s the question in mind but no answer. This happens. We don’t find answer to all the questions relevant to our lives. A simpleton like Prafullada in his innocence may not have the insatiable query of a philosopher or a frustrated lover. He’s usually in a jocund mood. Since childhood he finds the joy in Nature reflected in him. But the fact that Anu’s taken him into her confidence has brought in him a sadness which he cannot explain away. He feels he’s the brother of Anu and uncle of Angshu. In the absence of Anu, he’s been the guardian of Angshu, and she’ll return today. The home, he feels, will be full of joy, and she’ll beam in the charming atmosphere Nature presents. However, he won’t be able to share the joy.

            Unlike his nature, Prafullada has begun to feel a pang now as he awaits the arrival of Anu.A melancholia’s shrouding his joy as a blue sky may sometimes be overcast in the Himalayas. He cannot remember if anytime he had the same experience. He never felt he belonged to a society other than that of the Nature where trees, birds, rivers and the vast sky had been his companions and sources of joy. He had been away from the idiosyncrasies and egoistical problems of people around. He works for Anu not for money or for being in her family. He loves being in the midst of Nature and being a creator as a gardener. The aroma of trees and plants is what sustains his energy and spirit of life. He feels like every other creature – be it a bird, doe or deer, a plant, a river, a Himalayan peak – a human is also a part and contributory element of Nature. He finds harmony in Nature, and dare not face and cannot like the conflicts and vices like betrayals the humans are involved in and subjected to. He’s pained to see that Anu and her mother couldn’t get reconciled; Nilu isn’t a real friend, Anu’s in discomfiture when Arup’s the subject of talk and thought. He isn’t sure how the relation between Angshu and Anu will evolve.

               He remembers how he would spend hours together in the company of Nature even when he’s a child. That’s why he couldn’t be comfortable at the village primary school, and ultimately failed to have any formal education. Sitting on the threshold of the front door overlooking the gate of the bungalow, waiting for the  sound of the car that would bring Anu back, he reflects on the  circumstances that generated his empathy for Anu, particularly after her mother’s visit. He doesn’t like the whir and screech of a car, yet he’s waiting for one so eagerly. He’s eager to see Anu return as he hopes the house’ll be lively in her presence. He doesn’t enjoy the sound of cymbals Anu creates while worshipping the goddess Kali and lord Mahadeva, and her incantations are beyond his comprehension. He’s never peeped into her spacious worship-room, and doesn’t understand how clad like a western maid, modern in gait and switching and mixing codes while talking, Anu’s come to be in Tantra sadhana though she’s a high profile executive.

           Prafullada doesn’t have the desire to be an ascetic or a recluse - he knows he’s like a plant, a flower, a butterfly or a bird, carefree and unbound. He understands he mustn’t be involved in the family of Anu, but the fervent appeal of her to be with her in her crisis set him thinking. What should he do for now? He remembers recently in a monologue she’s said:”Do whatever you like in this life…once gone, this life’ll never come back.Fulfil all your desires. You must reach your destination…” (JA karar ei jibone e karo…ei jibon aar fire paoya jabena.sab ichha puron karo nijer moner.jeta destination setake pate e hobe…).Here he finds a contradiction between her life of worship and desire for temporal gain. He feels these two cannot be reconciled, yet she thinks this way. In his wisdom he believes this isn’t the place for him. He must leave Anu and Angshu and go far away to live in the midst of friends in Nature. Let Anu return and after a couple of days he’d take leave of her before the bond gains in strength. He wouldn’t like to be a witness to the complications that may follow in the life of Anu and Angshu vis-à-vis the renewed interest of Arup and her new-found or hitherto dormant philosophy of life “Do whatever you like in this life.”

His thought’s been disrupted when his eye’s fallen on a swarm of butterflies flying from flower to flower. They’re carefree and happy, he understands. Now in the garden, he’s lost in the serenity of Nature. Sitting on the stool near the garden table he feels oneness with the soul of Nature. No more Anu, no more Angshu.He’s now in his own happy world. Angshu’s called him several times but he has been unaware of it. Anu’s car has screeched to a halt but the sound hasn’t been able to submerge the harmony he enjoys.Anu’s discovered Angshu sad and thoughtful on the sofa of the drawing room. She’s kissed him on the forehead and received his kiss. They’re now in the bedroom.Angshu complains Prafullada’s been found nowhere.” What!” the mother exclaimed. She’s rushed downstairs and into the garden where Prafullada’s found meditative. She takes him by the hand, and out of reverie he smiles, sadly, and follows her to the drawing room.

“Dada is there anything wrong?” she asked earnestly.

“No, no Bunu (sister), I’m okay,” he replied with a forced smile.

“Was Angshu naughty?” she enquired.

“No, he’s a good boy, take care of him. He’s your future,” he suggested.

“Then why are you sad?”

“Bunu I’ve to tell you something,” he said hesitant.

“Please tell me dada.”

“I’m to go.”

“Where?”

“Don’t know.”

“Why, then who’ll help me take care of Angshu? Don’t you love Angshu?”

“You’re there. Mother’s the best guide and guardian.”

“Dada, you know, I’m lonely, without a real friend, someone who understands.”

“But your social relations have become complicated.Arupbabus are there.”

“That’s why I need you, dada. Please don’t desert me.”

“But you’ve contradictions.”

“Why do you think so?”

“You’re involved in Tantra Sadhona, and at the same time believe it’s wise to go for temporal gain.”

“No-no, I’m for sadhona.That I meant for people like Arup who don’t understand the life of sadhona.”

“Before I go I’ll tell you one thing, bunu.”

“I won’t let you go.”

             Anu begins to think about what Prafullada would tell her. Why he wouldn’t tell it now. Will he tell something about Arup or Angshu? Does Angshu also have the same feeling about her complications? Anu goes upstairs, closes the door and wouldn’t have dinner. Loneliness again grips her, she thinks what’s ahead. (to be continued on 28th August 2014)