She Won't Reveal ( 9 )

She Won’t Reveal (9)

Nidhu Bhusan Das

Anu is in the grip of loneliness. Yesterday she came back home early and didn’t return to office after lunch. Prafullda saw her alternately sauntering and lying on bed restlessly a couple of hours, and then sitting on the garden chair till sundown, looking at the pitcher plant gloomily. He volunteered to serve afternoon coffee. She shrugged. The gardener saw her half-eaten lunch on the dining table. After dusk, she went to the worship room and spent there another couple of hours, praying. When the cook came she told her she won’t have dinner. The gardener and the cook couldn’t read the situation and the gloom in ma’am.They turned anxious. What had gone wrong, they thought, but didn’t dare to ask.Prafullada remained alert and watchful. He decided he won’t sleep till Anu remained awake. Shut in her room, Anu looked at the wall blankly sitting on the bed and sauntered alternately. Below, on the ground floor, Prafullada sat at the dining table with his eyes fixed on the door of her bedroom.

“My days are counted, son.”

“Who told you, maa?”

“Thammi.I’ve many things to do before I leave. I can’t rest.”

“For whom, Maa?”

“For everyone, son.”

“Those who’ve hurt you?”

“They’re ignorant, son.”

“No, Maa, they’re satans in mask.”

“That proves they’re ignorant. Get ready, son. You’ll go with me. I can’t leave you here unguarded.”

In the middle of the night Prafullada heard thrice Anu crying out: “Help..help..they’re killing my son. Who’re there, who?” He’d never before seen anything like this. He couldn’t but rush to the door and knock on it repeatedly, calling “Ma’am, Ma’am”. The door opened, and he saw her broken down.” What happened, you’re crying out?” he asked, dazed.” It’s dream, a terrible dream. This happens. Don’t be scared. Where’d you been? Go to your room, and sleep. I’m okay. It’s nothing.” She sent down the gardener and shut the door, kept the light on. Lying on the bed with eyes fixed on the white ceiling, she thought on the dream-experience and tried to interpret it. After a long brooding, she went to the writing desk, brought out the diary from the drawer and began to write:

“Dear Diary,

I’ve many things to tell you. You’re one of the three I share with. I’d a terrible dream tonight. My son, who’s my only hope, companion and meaning in this lonely and dreary world, peopled by masks, was sought to be killed. It means they want to kill my hope which I regained through him after a long struggle against nightmarish days. I’m scared. Andromache, says Greek Mythology, dreamt that her son Achilles would get killed if he’d gone to fight in the Trojan War the next day. He went and was killed by Hector. Calpurnia in her dream saw her husband Caesar would be killed had he ventured out the day and entreated him not to attend the senate meeting that day. Caesar went to the senate and was killed by the conspirators.”

 “I’ve experienced many rebuffs, have been misunderstood and jeered at. When people who mattered thought I’s scared, and deserted me, it’s my thammi who helped me through. Now in heaven, she’s my guardian angel, guiding me. It’s through her I’ve got my son. She said,’Annu, he’s your god-given son. Take care of him, protect him. He’s innocent and your hope. People will not understand and believe. That doesn’t matter. You needn’t tell the world you’ve a son.’ I believe her, depend on her. Now I also depend on the bond I’ve with my son. She encourages me. My son loves me. He’s no regret that I’ve not socialized him. He’s only one friend and that’s I. He never asks me anything about me. But he’s curious about thammi.He understands my bond with her. I tell him about her. He listens and his face beams. They want to kill this innocence, wipe out the beaming face. Cruelty, thy name is human. Ignorance, you’ve settled in humans.”

“What can I do? I haven’t many days ahead. Masked people are still around me.Nilu’s involved in fornication with Mr. Bose who’s been thirsty since long, and in search of partner. She’s going to seduce Jerry also. It’s all for the fulfillment of her dream to go up, despite deficiency. She’s critical of me, hates me, jealous of my son. She thinks my son cannot be legitimate. I cannot but laugh and take pity on her. She’s sensual, cannot go transcendental. I know I’m unable to reform her. She’s desperate.Mr. Bose wears the mask of an idealist. Jerry acts like a playboy. I don’t belong to the world infested with deceit and disease. It abounds with weeds.Prafullada’s a rare exception. He’ll suffer when I’m no more. We feel for each other. He’s innocent but innocence isn’t rewarded. This is the world where Nilus rule. I’m a misfit, my son and Prafullada, too”

“My son once asked,’ Why you aren’t like your colleague? You lead very simple life, don’t have several wardrobes for myriad sets of clothes, don’t go partying, and remain out of glare, off the spotlight.’ He said, he’d like to win fame, power and position. I told him, son, they’re phoney; they cannot win joy, and without joy you cannot have peace. You can have them through manipulations and compromise and they cannot stand without props. I don’t think you should go for phoney things. Look at me- I could be famous had I compromised as it’s the norm in metropolitan and five-star culture. I refrained because that gives you pleasure, but not joy. This life’s worth living when you’re in joy.  Power and fame brings pride and you get detached from humanity as you lose human values. He agreed.”

“Now they want to kill my son because he’s unlike them, and could be, they think, a challenge to them. They crucified Christ because he preached love, pure love. That’s threat to their way of life. Christ says, his fatal wounds’re the wounds of love. This’s innocence and they kill innocence, always. So, I’m scared.”

“I told my son, frankly, I also hide myself behind a mask when I’m to interact with people who come to me for benefit they think I can give, and perhaps rightly, I can give in my official capacity in the world where the principle of mutual benefit is the prime mover. This mask’s uncomfortable, choking.So,I like being alone with my son and thammi.I’m here in the Himalayan nook away from the so called and much sought after urban comfort because I want to live in joy. Love for me is a pure emotion, not lust and cannot be measured in terms of convenience and fake protestations. It’s revealed as God’s revealed to those who seek His love.”

“They think if they kill my son that will be a lesson for me. I’ll bend to their wishes, be corrupt, and accept the five-star culture and reckless life. Once it happens I’ll be like them-greedy and will satisfy their greed.This’s their foolish thought. I’m not to bend. Had I chosen such a life, I could well live in the mega cities where I’d been before. I chose to be here away from the heat and glare of phoney culture. My family and academic backgrounds could help. But I cannot be like that. I want joy in life, not pleasure. I feel I’m in bliss in the way I live. True, my days’re counted, I’ll leave. Even if I continue to live, why should others be jealous? I’m not anybody’s competitor, not a challenger. Yet I feel I’ve no enemy as I don’t have any enmity or any score to settle with anyone.”

“Maa, what’re you doing.”

“Writing, beta.”

“At this dead of night!”

“Yes beta, I’m to.”

“Very urgent, maa? You should sleep, or will be sick.”

“Don’t worry, beta. Your maa’s quite strong enough.”

“No, I don’t like it. Please come and lie. I’ll rub your forehead and kiss you into sleep.”

“Well, naughty beta, coming.”

She closed the diary and went to her son, kissed him on the forehead.

“Beta if I leave you, won’t you be able to live alone? Prafullada would take care of you.”

“I’ll never let you leave me, maa, be always with you.”

“Thammi calls me, beta. I must go.”

“She won’t take you alone, without me. I know it, maa.”

He began to rub her forehead, and the breath of the son’s refreshing, and his small talks’re regaling.” Naughty baba (papa),” she said deep in emotion,” you’re my world, I cannot leave you.” Two drops of tears fell on his forehead which she hastened to rub out with her scarf.

“Why’re you in tears, maa?” he’s eager to know.

 “I love you, beta,” she said earnestly, clasping and caressing him.

“You’re funny, maa. I love you. I’d like to tell you something, if you never mind.”

“Tell, baba.Do I ever mind when my baba speaks to me?”

“Your friends’re not like you, maa.They’re not good people-Nilu auntie, Jerry uncle, Mr. Bose.”

“I know, beta. They’re not my friends. They visit me on their own. I don’t call them. I never go to them.”

This conversation brought soothing sleep to them. Anu’s in heaven with her son for now. (to be continued on 24 April 2014)