She Won't Reveal(10)

She Won’t Reveal (10)

             Nidhu Bhusan Das

 Prafullada’s disturbed, don’t know what’s ahead. He’s sensitive, and has one dream- to live in joy and peace. He found the place ideal to pursue his dream. He loves Anu as his younger sister which he’s never told her, instead addresses her as ma’am.The trees, plants, flowers and grass are his friends and companions. He shares and converses with them. This morning he shares with them a gloom, for the first time. He’s been suspicious of the visitors to Anu, but has, so far, thought it wise not to tell her. He believes she’s wise. He saw as a mute spectator how Nilu one day had taken away her diary, gone out and come back, kept it in place before Anu returned home. He knows diary is strictly personal, and it isn’t in good taste and with bona fide intention that one peeps into and goes away with it. On that day Jerry’s in the hotel. “Is it that Nilu’s shared it with Jerry and got it copied for use against Anu?” thought Prafullada.He didn’t tell Anu as he thought she might laugh it out of court. Now he’s convinced he must tell right away; or conspiracy against her may turn really fatal. He cannot let it happen.

How can it be told? He doesn’t volunteer to talk to her on anything other than matters relating to gardening. She also talks about the garden with him. Only last night Prafullada demonstrated his concern to her when she’s visibly disturbed, and cried out ominously. “Maybe, I’m well poised now to share when the incident is fresh in her memory,” he thinks, seriously. He’s at the garden table with his gloomy face propped up with two palms. He isn’t aware in his trance-like-gloom that it’s already 9 a.m.The touch and call of Anu has awakened him.” You look so gloomy, Prafullada, what happened? Didn’t sleep last night?” she asked softly.” I’ve something to tell you, ma’am, if you allow,” he said politely, as is his wont. She at once wore a grim face with eyes thoughtful. “Well Prafullada, let’s talk it over breakfast. Come,” she said, her voice wet.

For the first time Anu’s having breakfast with the gardener.” Please tell, Prafullada,” she urges. The gardener looks around to see if anyone’s around.

“Nilu ma’am took your diary away when Jerry sahib was at the hotel.”

“Is it?” she asked, concerned and said,” You’ve not told me.”

“I thought you wouldn’t believe.”

“Why Prafullada, I trust you.”

“But Nilu ma’am is your friend.”

“So what!”

“Do you know Nilu ma’am is back from Shillong?”

“I don’t. How do you know?”

“I saw yesterday. Mr. Bose saw her off before she drove back home from the hotel. They didn’t see me.”

“Then?”

“I showed up after the see-off.Mr. Bose took me to his room. He looked so happy.”

“Did he tell you about Nilu?”

“No, no…he rather asked me if you knew whether she had returned. I said, ma’am hadn’t been informed.”

“Well said.”

“As he drank the milk with honey, I saw two long hairs on his bed.”

“Forget Prafullada.I’d like Nilu never visits me. You understand I’m so much disturbed. It’s terrible, pernicious.”

“If she comes should I tell her you’ve no time to spend with anybody, and you’re busy with your son?”

“That’ll be good. Would you leave me, Prafullada?” she asked fervently.

“Ne’er sister.”

 For the first time the gardener called her sister, spontaneously.He’d it in mind, but couldn’t express.Anu’s relieved, and said,” You’re my elder brother, I depend on you Dada, please be with me, take care of my son. I cannot think what to do.” But she’s perspiring, tensed. She cupped her hands over the forehead, and stopped eating. Anu understands Nilu but hadn’t the mind to believe she could be so mean to hunt for her diary, read and take it away. She remembers Thammi repeatedly warned during her ordeal and trying times to keep away from educated peers and never to trust people indiscriminately. “Sister, won’t you eat? You’d be late for office,” said Prafullada, concerned. She looked up and began to eat, as if reluctantly.”Dada,I decided I won’t go to office today,” she said.

Meanwhile, the cook Renu arrived and made coffee for Anu.She said,” Make one for Dada also.” She began to sip only when Prafullada was served coffee. When they’re talking, the sound of a car at the gate was heard. Anu hurried to her room. It’s Nilu with her wily smile. She asked, “Where’s ma’am?”

“Oh! Nilu ma’am.When have you returned from Shillong?” asked Prafullada.

“Just last night. How’re you all?”

“You look so fresh,” said Prafullada, meaningfully.

“I’d a nice time there.”

“Mr. Bose was enquiring yesterday if you had returned.”

“Did he come here?”

“No, I went there with milk and honey. He’d cough.”

“I see, ma’am is so concerned about him.”

“She’s concerned about well being of everybody,” Prafullada retorted.

“Where’s she?” she asked and motioned to climb the stairs.

“Ma’am wouldn’t see anybody, busy with her son,” he informed.

Visibly taken aback, Nilu asked,” Is it?” She couldn’t believe it.Anu never failed to welcome her.Prafullada wouldn’t tell her this on his own, he’s not such a man, she thought.” Is it ‘cause I didn’t keep contact with her from Shillong? Or, is it that Amal told her I’d talk with him by telephone from Shillong? Did she see me somewhere here yesterday or come to know I’d visited Amal at the hotel?” Nilu thought quickly but couldn’t have a definite answer.

Now, she began to think if she didn’t continue the relation with Anu, what could be her loss. Unlike Anu, she always thinks in terms of loss and gain, and knows she won’t be a saint. “Jerry thinks I’m his gf, Amal cannot but think we’ve become one soul and spirit. The two are enough, for now, for my career advancement. I’ve them snogged into confidence.Anu’s no longer useful for me. Let her be with her son,” she decided and told Prafullada,”Tell her I came.” She left with a sad smile.

Is Nilu indispensable for Anu? She isn’t. They’ve different experiences in life and ways of thinking. It’s understandable. For Nilu protestation of love’s just a lip service while Anu thinks love’s what enriches life and enlightens soul. She never tells why her way with Arup diverged which led her to take the less traveled path. It’s told 90 precent of her salary income goes to tribal welfare projects she’s taken up in Amlarem region. It means her love’s transcended, and instead of an individual she’s come to love a backward people.Nilu cannot think of such things.Anu can, therefore, not walk shoulder to shoulder with Nilu, it’s obvious to Prafullada.

The breakdown of adolescent love which continued till her mid-twenties led to the glorious breakthroughs of Anu.Love entails pain. When one can translate the passion and pain of love into wisdom and opportunities for growth and development of the self, winning glory of breakthroughs is the reward. Fickle and capricious love of adolescence is bound to fail. When the failure leads to introspection of the sincere and serious lover, he/she can delve deep into the heart and mind and explore his/her inherent potentials. This is what has happened to Anu. She’s become a multi-dimensional person. Had her love been risk-resistant and led to a lasting relationship through a successful marriage, she won’t be able to know herself and be known to the society as a real human being having compassion and spiritual enlightenment. She can now think, feel and decide independently with a wider perspective.Nilu’s different.She doesn’t have the emotion of love. For her, love’s a contrivance only. She’s not for looking inward. Her passion’s to strive for success in the world plagued with the break-neck race for amassing wealth and glitz, not for gaining in wisdom.

If wisdom’s the ultimate wealth, Anu’s really wealthy. (to be continued on 8th May 2014)

She Won't Reveal ( 9 )

She Won’t Reveal (9)

Nidhu Bhusan Das

Anu is in the grip of loneliness. Yesterday she came back home early and didn’t return to office after lunch. Prafullda saw her alternately sauntering and lying on bed restlessly a couple of hours, and then sitting on the garden chair till sundown, looking at the pitcher plant gloomily. He volunteered to serve afternoon coffee. She shrugged. The gardener saw her half-eaten lunch on the dining table. After dusk, she went to the worship room and spent there another couple of hours, praying. When the cook came she told her she won’t have dinner. The gardener and the cook couldn’t read the situation and the gloom in ma’am.They turned anxious. What had gone wrong, they thought, but didn’t dare to ask.Prafullada remained alert and watchful. He decided he won’t sleep till Anu remained awake. Shut in her room, Anu looked at the wall blankly sitting on the bed and sauntered alternately. Below, on the ground floor, Prafullada sat at the dining table with his eyes fixed on the door of her bedroom.

“My days are counted, son.”

“Who told you, maa?”

“Thammi.I’ve many things to do before I leave. I can’t rest.”

“For whom, Maa?”

“For everyone, son.”

“Those who’ve hurt you?”

“They’re ignorant, son.”

“No, Maa, they’re satans in mask.”

“That proves they’re ignorant. Get ready, son. You’ll go with me. I can’t leave you here unguarded.”

In the middle of the night Prafullada heard thrice Anu crying out: “Help..help..they’re killing my son. Who’re there, who?” He’d never before seen anything like this. He couldn’t but rush to the door and knock on it repeatedly, calling “Ma’am, Ma’am”. The door opened, and he saw her broken down.” What happened, you’re crying out?” he asked, dazed.” It’s dream, a terrible dream. This happens. Don’t be scared. Where’d you been? Go to your room, and sleep. I’m okay. It’s nothing.” She sent down the gardener and shut the door, kept the light on. Lying on the bed with eyes fixed on the white ceiling, she thought on the dream-experience and tried to interpret it. After a long brooding, she went to the writing desk, brought out the diary from the drawer and began to write:

“Dear Diary,

I’ve many things to tell you. You’re one of the three I share with. I’d a terrible dream tonight. My son, who’s my only hope, companion and meaning in this lonely and dreary world, peopled by masks, was sought to be killed. It means they want to kill my hope which I regained through him after a long struggle against nightmarish days. I’m scared. Andromache, says Greek Mythology, dreamt that her son Achilles would get killed if he’d gone to fight in the Trojan War the next day. He went and was killed by Hector. Calpurnia in her dream saw her husband Caesar would be killed had he ventured out the day and entreated him not to attend the senate meeting that day. Caesar went to the senate and was killed by the conspirators.”

 “I’ve experienced many rebuffs, have been misunderstood and jeered at. When people who mattered thought I’s scared, and deserted me, it’s my thammi who helped me through. Now in heaven, she’s my guardian angel, guiding me. It’s through her I’ve got my son. She said,’Annu, he’s your god-given son. Take care of him, protect him. He’s innocent and your hope. People will not understand and believe. That doesn’t matter. You needn’t tell the world you’ve a son.’ I believe her, depend on her. Now I also depend on the bond I’ve with my son. She encourages me. My son loves me. He’s no regret that I’ve not socialized him. He’s only one friend and that’s I. He never asks me anything about me. But he’s curious about thammi.He understands my bond with her. I tell him about her. He listens and his face beams. They want to kill this innocence, wipe out the beaming face. Cruelty, thy name is human. Ignorance, you’ve settled in humans.”

“What can I do? I haven’t many days ahead. Masked people are still around me.Nilu’s involved in fornication with Mr. Bose who’s been thirsty since long, and in search of partner. She’s going to seduce Jerry also. It’s all for the fulfillment of her dream to go up, despite deficiency. She’s critical of me, hates me, jealous of my son. She thinks my son cannot be legitimate. I cannot but laugh and take pity on her. She’s sensual, cannot go transcendental. I know I’m unable to reform her. She’s desperate.Mr. Bose wears the mask of an idealist. Jerry acts like a playboy. I don’t belong to the world infested with deceit and disease. It abounds with weeds.Prafullada’s a rare exception. He’ll suffer when I’m no more. We feel for each other. He’s innocent but innocence isn’t rewarded. This is the world where Nilus rule. I’m a misfit, my son and Prafullada, too”

“My son once asked,’ Why you aren’t like your colleague? You lead very simple life, don’t have several wardrobes for myriad sets of clothes, don’t go partying, and remain out of glare, off the spotlight.’ He said, he’d like to win fame, power and position. I told him, son, they’re phoney; they cannot win joy, and without joy you cannot have peace. You can have them through manipulations and compromise and they cannot stand without props. I don’t think you should go for phoney things. Look at me- I could be famous had I compromised as it’s the norm in metropolitan and five-star culture. I refrained because that gives you pleasure, but not joy. This life’s worth living when you’re in joy.  Power and fame brings pride and you get detached from humanity as you lose human values. He agreed.”

“Now they want to kill my son because he’s unlike them, and could be, they think, a challenge to them. They crucified Christ because he preached love, pure love. That’s threat to their way of life. Christ says, his fatal wounds’re the wounds of love. This’s innocence and they kill innocence, always. So, I’m scared.”

“I told my son, frankly, I also hide myself behind a mask when I’m to interact with people who come to me for benefit they think I can give, and perhaps rightly, I can give in my official capacity in the world where the principle of mutual benefit is the prime mover. This mask’s uncomfortable, choking.So,I like being alone with my son and thammi.I’m here in the Himalayan nook away from the so called and much sought after urban comfort because I want to live in joy. Love for me is a pure emotion, not lust and cannot be measured in terms of convenience and fake protestations. It’s revealed as God’s revealed to those who seek His love.”

“They think if they kill my son that will be a lesson for me. I’ll bend to their wishes, be corrupt, and accept the five-star culture and reckless life. Once it happens I’ll be like them-greedy and will satisfy their greed.This’s their foolish thought. I’m not to bend. Had I chosen such a life, I could well live in the mega cities where I’d been before. I chose to be here away from the heat and glare of phoney culture. My family and academic backgrounds could help. But I cannot be like that. I want joy in life, not pleasure. I feel I’m in bliss in the way I live. True, my days’re counted, I’ll leave. Even if I continue to live, why should others be jealous? I’m not anybody’s competitor, not a challenger. Yet I feel I’ve no enemy as I don’t have any enmity or any score to settle with anyone.”

“Maa, what’re you doing.”

“Writing, beta.”

“At this dead of night!”

“Yes beta, I’m to.”

“Very urgent, maa? You should sleep, or will be sick.”

“Don’t worry, beta. Your maa’s quite strong enough.”

“No, I don’t like it. Please come and lie. I’ll rub your forehead and kiss you into sleep.”

“Well, naughty beta, coming.”

She closed the diary and went to her son, kissed him on the forehead.

“Beta if I leave you, won’t you be able to live alone? Prafullada would take care of you.”

“I’ll never let you leave me, maa, be always with you.”

“Thammi calls me, beta. I must go.”

“She won’t take you alone, without me. I know it, maa.”

He began to rub her forehead, and the breath of the son’s refreshing, and his small talks’re regaling.” Naughty baba (papa),” she said deep in emotion,” you’re my world, I cannot leave you.” Two drops of tears fell on his forehead which she hastened to rub out with her scarf.

“Why’re you in tears, maa?” he’s eager to know.

 “I love you, beta,” she said earnestly, clasping and caressing him.

“You’re funny, maa. I love you. I’d like to tell you something, if you never mind.”

“Tell, baba.Do I ever mind when my baba speaks to me?”

“Your friends’re not like you, maa.They’re not good people-Nilu auntie, Jerry uncle, Mr. Bose.”

“I know, beta. They’re not my friends. They visit me on their own. I don’t call them. I never go to them.”

This conversation brought soothing sleep to them. Anu’s in heaven with her son for now. (to be continued on 24 April 2014)