She Won’t Reveal (17)

                    She Won’t Reveal (17)

                  Nidhu Bhusan Das

           Winter isn’t felt much in kolkata, notorious for her heat. The demon of Global Warming has worsened the situation in the sprawling mega city.Nilu, born and brought up in Meghalaya, is really in a hell of fire in the City of Joy in this early January. But for the A/C flat and the A/C car of Amal, she could have opted for going back to the comfort of her Himalayan abode. Had she not the academic ambition, she might have avoided being in Kolkata.Moreover, an accidental development has been the cause of her feeling  distressed. She’s disconcerted and distraught. She feels like cursing herself for being in a strategic relationship with Amal who believes, rightly or wrongly, he’s, ultimately, been able to win Nilu for life.Nilu knows how much Amal’s conviction could be tenable.

            Joy and concern are the dominant emotion in the flat of Amal Bose.Nilu’s menopause has led to this mixed feeling. It’s Sunday. North wind isn’t felt. They’ve lunch at home.Abed, Amal fingers the hair of Nilu.She’s concerned that she’s going to be mother.She, in fact, doesn’t want it.Amal’s definitely happy, not because he’d be the father. He understands Nilu’s now his consort for ever.Nilu insists on abortion, Amal puts up resistance.

“Dear, it isn’t the right time for us to be parents,” she says persistently.

”Why, dear, what’s the problem,”Amal asks, kissing her.

“Let’s not spoil our joy being parents so early.Besides, we should be married first.”

“It isn’t necessary, honey.”

“Who’ll be recognized as the legitimate biological parents of our child? Think on it, seriously.”

“That’s no problem. Judicial decision recognizes the legitimacy of a child born of live-together.”

          Here the last defence of Nilu appears to crack. But she’s desperate, won’t give up easily. She’s for maintaining simultaneous strategic relations with Amal, Jerry and even Professor Jyotirmoy Sarkar. She knows Jerry and Prof Sarkar are also infatuated with her. Jerry’s in regular communication with her.Prof. Sarkar cuddles up to her whenever she’s in his chamber with him alone. Naturally it’d be unwise for her to be a mother. Amal is just a step for her to climb the ladder of her academic career. Maybe, she’s now in a position to exert her own influence on Prof. Sarkar.If the professor has an inkling of her being pregnant, he may be disinterested. So, she cannot right away accept what Amal decides. His decision cannot be in keeping with her ambition. She knows she must use her glamour and Aryan features to have her dream fulfilled. Amal isn’t aware of what’s in the mind of his virtual consort. He continues to fondle her, licks her, face to knee, front and back while she feigns sleep to ruminate.

“The blunder’s at the hotel in Jowai,” she thinks.

“What else could I do to take him into confidence?” she ratiocinates.

“Amal wanted it.I couldn’t resist his animal spirit,” she recalls.

“Even then couldn’t I prevent what he sprinkled into me?” she asks herself.

“But Amal’s determined,” she understands now.

“Jyotirmoy had already shown interest in me at the hotel in Shillong,” she feels now.

“Couldn’t I respond more intensely that time to get rid of Amal?” she thinks.

“Jyotirmoy’s Sauvé, his eyes speak of love, I could read it,” she understands.

“Why couldn’t I say ‘I love you’ sir?” she regrets.

“But Jerry’s in mind. I rely on him. He’ll do something for me, I believe, to take a sweet revenge for the maltreatment meted out to him by Anu,” she argues.

        With the right hand on the breast of Nilu, Amal has gone back to his Saint Xavier’s days and remembered how he came to be the cause of the suicide of Rituparna Ghosh.Now he feels for the girl who’s, unlike Nilu, meek and credulous, and, therefore, couldn’t stand the shock when he turned his back to her.Nilu, he understands, isn’t reliable, and may leave him anytime without scruples. It would be unwise on his part to go by what she asks for i.e., to terminate the pregnancy. In that case he would lose her, he thought.

“I cannot let it happen,” he believes.

“But if Nilu sneaks out?” he’s suspicious.

“Where may she go? She’s ambitious. Is it Jyotirmoy that she’ll go to?” he tries to guess.

“Jyotirmoy’s lascivious.Nilu could be his attraction,” he’s certain.

“Well let me take her to Dehra Doon.We may live there a couple of months in the comfort of the Himalayan spring. During the time her pregnancy will be prominent. This will deter her from dating with Jyotirmoy,” he plans.

        Amal and Nilu are together for tactical reasons- Amal wants to drink the beauty of Nilu and satiate his lust; Nilu uses him as a step of the ladder she climbs to achieve her academic dream. They’ve no love lost between them. A tributary or a distributary has a natural relation with the main river which an artificial canal doesn’t have. In a confluence the rivers come together willingly as the lovers do. No emotional relation exists between Amal and Nilu.Amal’s, therefore, apprehensive of the sustenance of the relation while Nilu knows it’s a temporary alliance and they’re two strange bedfellows only. Even an arranged marriage isn’t meaningful and easy-going if it isn’t immediately fertilized with the emotion of love. Any such relation’s simply a socio-economic alliance or strategic come-together sans emotion.Nilu and Amal understand it.

          The ambience in the flat isn’t that of love and finer feelings but of intrigue. Even in the inclement weather a couple of doves make love in the mango tree outside in joy which this live-together cannot generate. Their hearts are incapable of having tenderness. They’re cerebral. They tend to go by the logic of convenience. Amal doesn’t want to win the heart, what he wants to have is the serpentine beauty of Nilu while her interest in him has evaporated as soon as she’s understood that  Jyotirmoy’s there to take her. Does she have any feeling for Jyotirmoy? She’s now in the spacious bathroom, and remembers the time she spent with Amal naked in the tub gulping beer as they could see themselves making love in the mirror covering the walls. She again looks at her reflection in the mirror to understand if there has been any change in her after the menopause. She smiles, and feels she must terminate the pregnancy in no time and tell Jyotirmoy, passionately “I love you!” She knows she would protest love keeping in mind Jerry who would be a bigger catch. She sees her armpit is clean and the pubic hair is trimmed. Any one with taste would like it. She decides she would go to the hairdresser this late afternoon.

       Amal has been waiting for her to come out. He clasps her and pulls her onto the bed. Libidinous after being assured of her physical glory, she yields. She now lies on her back with Amal on her, kissing her beautiful eyes. The sun’s gone down, the usual refreshing breeze from the Ganga blows, and Nilu remembers her first encounter with Jyotirmoy in the hotel room in the cold December in Shillong. ( continued on 14^th August 2014)

She Won't Reveal 16

                           She Won’t Reveal (16)

                    Nidhu Bhusan Das

Even in December noon Sujata was perspiring. It wasn’t because she’s tensed. Juliet’s with Anu.Sujata’s relieved. Guwahati also has the impact of global warming. But Prof. Sanyal’s sweating profusely even under the fan-at-full-speed. Concerned about Anu, his mind’s turbulent. Outside leaves were almost stationary. The north wind’s forgotten the city for now at least. But a tempest’s blowing in the mind of the professor. Alone in the flat, he’s reminiscing, and was in anxiety for Anu who, he felt, was a victim of maniac depression.

 Sujata, after lunch, took Anu to the LIC Regional office wherefrom she’d journey to the new rural branch to officiate as manager for a few days. A junior colleague of Sujata accompanied Anu. Sujata asked the colleague Juliet Sangma to take care of Anu and never to leave her alone. After see-off she came straight to Professor Sanyal’s flat. She’s on leave for a week. The Professor was waiting for the report on the arrangement of the journey. He’d in hand the book Psychology of Love by William Aston. Opening the door he asked,” Everything alright?” Sujata assured,” Juliet’s with her, no problem. She’ll take care.” They sat face to face on the sofa to discuss more the issue of Anu to find a remedy, if possible.

“Maa, is it that she loved only Arup, and there’s none else to have her tenderness equally? Or Arup didn’t suspect the presence of a second lover?” asked the Professor pointedly.

“You may say she’s like the Duchess in the poem My Last Duchess by Robert Browning.”

”She smiled to and favoured all and sundry which wasn’t to the liking of the Duke.”

“Anu once told me, when Arup called her PUTUL, the face of Maqbool’d emerge before her,” broke Sujata for the first time.

“Who’s Maqbool?” enquired the Professor, searching for a clue.

“Maqbool Abdullah, a Kashmiri boy, our classmate at college.”

“Was there any love lost between them?”

“He’d a dimple on the left cheek, and she’d poke the dimple, and they’d hearty laugh.”

“Interesting!”

“She confided to me once she told him ‘I like you, Maqbool!’ ’Like your study, girl’ he replied, smiling.”

“Did Arup know it?”

“Not unlikely. You know, she’s candid.”

“Was it for this she became eager to arrange his marriage with Mita?”

“That’s a different story. She’s generous, really. People don’t understand or value such generosity. Arup’s understood.”

“Where’s Maqbool, now?”

“In Delhi.”

“Are they in relationship still?”

“They’re in communication, but she’s arranged his affair with one of her friends. She monitors the progress.”

“Will you call it normal behaviour of a girl-in-love?”

“It’s a riddle. But here’s also her generosity. She’s decided she won’t marry.”

“I understand Arup’s a nice man, and he isn’t to be blamed.”

“Anu doesn’t blame him.”

“She shouldn’t,” the Professor’s obviously serious.

“Son, my buddy’s unlike other girls of her age. She can make sacrifice.”

“But cannot forget what she sacrifices. Why does she not erase Arup from memory? Such sacrifice cannot make you happy. And she isn’t.”

“It’s a different life, son.”

“Well, tell me how.”

Arup cannot forget her. He remembers her often. How can she be dead? It’s telepathy.”

“Telepathy also involves a kind of messaging, a sender and a receiver; in this case Anu’s the receiver in the first instance. If she doesn’t react to the stimulant from Arup, it cannot happen.”

“That’s true, son. But it’s great the relationship sustains even after it’s undergone a change.”

“I can’t agree, Maa. The agony sustains, not the love.”

“The agony engenders from love.”

“No, not at all. The memory’s the source of the agony.”

“Maybe. Once she told me tears fill her eyes when she remembers the situations of their being together, philandering.”

“It’s her psychic problem, difficult to overcome.”

“Exactly. She said it’s difficult to forget those moments, they’re poignant.”

“Let me consult the leading psychiatrists. List all you know about her and her relations. These inputs will be vital clues to solutions.”

Anu’s impulsive and headstrong. It’s a combination fraught with problems. You cannot be practical with such a combination. Reason yields to rashness. She’s the victim to rashness. If she cannot change, she may lose more. That will be a serious psychological setback for her. But she must be saved anyhow. She’s a great soul. We cannot afford to lose her.Sujata loves her. It’s important, thought the Professor.

Anu reached Tyrna village in Meghalaya after an 11-hour drive at 9 a.m. and telephoned Sujata and her son back home. She along with Juliet went straight to the new office decorated with floral festoons and vases. She felt elated for being here as one specially chosen by the management for launching the operation of the branch. Juliet, as requested by Sujata, followed her like a shadow. Anu’s smiling face instantly endeared her to the colleagues and the potential customers. She set to business and urged the guests to choose policies. The opening day saw brisk business. At 5 p.m. she and Juliet boarded the car to go to the hotel in the nearby town. They had their bath in the hotel and ordered snacks. They’re in the balcony, having snacks and coffee. The sky’s blue and birds flying southward.Anu loves Nature. She said,” I envy the tranquility of the sky. Peace reigns here. God blesses the firmament with joy.”

“Why do we look up to the sky, often?” Juliet’s curious.

“Because the mind tends to ascend.”

“And the reason that Nature attracts?”

“The mind expands when we can observe and study her. She brings joy and heals the wounds. She’s innocent.”

“Ma’am.what’s joy?”

“Depends. It varies from person to person. When you’re in joy you’re exalted, and vice versa.”

“Who’re in joy? How do we know?”

“Those who’re deep in the study of Creation unaware of themselves are in joy.”

“But such people are rare.”

“Joy isn’t for all and sundry.”

“Are you in joy?”

How can I be? I’m still concerned with the mundane. I haven’t been able to lose myself.”

“You mean an ascetic can be in joy.”

“Probably you can say so.”

“Do you strive to be an ascetic?”

“It’s difficult, but one should try. If you succeed you can enjoy the bliss of a world unique in itself.”

“Where does this world exist?”

“It’s in your exalted mind.”

“How can we’ve the exalted mind?”

“Through meditation. See how Nature, the sky, the mountains are always in meditation. They’re vast in size and profound in essence.”

As the tranquil evening progressed, Anu suggested they might have a walk. They went out and strolled along the pavement of the boulevard. While Juliet enjoyed the beauty of the lit buildings and starry sky, Anu’s mind reached the essence which is the reality behind the world we see around. This essence is the Truth, and the world around is the appearance of the reality, the appearance of Truth. Anu’s in two minds- will she ascend for ever or stay back for her son and uncertain love? (continued on 31^st July2014)

She Won't Reveal 15

                    She Won’t Reveal (15)

                  Nidhu Bhusan Das

The stone angel’s now abed. She’s lying on her back, with the eyes turned to the ceiling. The clouded eyes couldn’t see beyond but the silence suggested she’s away from the room, and her mind soared into the realm of the clouds over the mighty Himalayas. She’s alone even in the presence of Sujata who’s beside her, consoling the silent soul mate.Sujata felt her forehead burning. It happens when she broods. All her energy gathers between the brows on the forehead. This state continues for hours. She arose at about midnight, pacified. All through Sujata remained awake. She smiled, as if an answer to her problem had been found.

 However, the tranquility’s short-lived. The manic depression and the attendant tendency to commit suicide revisited her. The lids of the tired eyes of Sujata went to rest and a slumber visited her. Anu left the bed at dawn, which isn’t her wont. Professor Sanyal, an early riser, saw her loitering in the drawing room often looking at the stationery ceiling fan. He became apprehensive, a foreboding gripped him. He decided he’d engage 
her in a conversation. He called her,” Auntie, what’s up there? I see you’re an early riser. It’s good for health and creative thought. Let’s talk away the vacant moments.”

Startled, Anu said,” Let’s, son.”
“How did you come to have Angshu?” asked the Professor.
“It’s serendipitous.”
“Interesting! Please tell me the story.”
“It’s a Sunday, a sultry summer evening. I was in the drawing room in a 
vacant mood. It’s just a month that I had come to the house. I heard someone opening 
the front gate. I looked out and saw a person, willing to come in. With beads of sweat 
on the face, he looked like a morning bloom bathed in dew. I opened the door and he said he’s enchanted by the beauty of my garden. I invited him into the drawing room. He began to talk on the flowers and plants of the garden and appreciated the selection. I gave him water and some sweets. He drank the water, didn’t touch the sweets, 
thanked me, rose from the sofa and motioned to go out. Don’t you like sweets?” I asked.
“I’m fond of sweets, but won’t have any now,” he said, seriously.
“But you look tired. Why don’t you rest here for some time?” I urged.
He smiled and said,” Rest’s forbidden for me.”
“Is it? Where’re you from?”
“Bengal. I like the Himalayas. I’m looking for my mom here. She’s 
left me a year ago for heaven. Whenever I find time I go out to trace her. You look and 
behave like my mom. May I call you mom?” he asked earnestly.
“Oh, really! Am very happy to be your maa, sorry, mom.”
“It’s really nice you’re my mom, sweet maa.”
“Are you a Bengali?”
“Very much and, therefore, you’re my maa.”
“You’re hundred percent my chhele (son), tiny chhele.”
“Have you a grown up son?”
“No, you’re my first and last chhele.”
“So, you’ll address me from now on as chhele.”
“I’ll. Where’re you lodged here?”
“At Hotel Cynthia.”
“Can’t you stay with your maa?’
“It’s too early. Don’t love and believe people at first sight. It’s simply unwise, maa, he suggested pensively, and crossed the threshold and the gate as I looked on.”

“This serendipitous meeting set me brooding. I began to think,’ Is it 
something God willed for me?’ He’s angelic in look and prophetic in speech. The 
meeting and what he said continued to haunt me. I felt to be in bliss.”

“Auntie, let me go bring hot tea from the vendor on the pavement. His 
tea’s excellent.” 

The Professor left the room for Anu to be alone for some time. Anu 
looked on at the framed pictures of the Professor’s Maa and the betrothed who fell 
victim to a fatal accident. This tragedy turned out to be a turning point in his life. 
 “He’s, said Sujata, determined to remain a confirmed bachelor, and doesn’t shilly-shally about it. Why can’t I be like him? Is it because she’s departed the world-stage and he’s still active on the stage?” she introspected.

The Professor’s back with tea. He poured the tea into cups and brought biscuits.

“Auntie, take the tea, and here’s the biscuit.” Anu awoke from her trance, and began to sip.

“Now tell the rest of the story of your son. It’s interesting,” the professor’s eager.
“Well, the next day in the morning, making coffee I drove to the hotel. At the reception I asked for his room. The receptionist called him by intercom and told I’d come to visit him. Within minutes he came down to receive me with enthusiasm. He took me to the room. I poured coffee for us into the cups I took with me. We’d a wonderful 
interaction.
‘Why did you take so much pain to come here, Maa? You could well call me,’ he said with humility. I said,’ It’s my duty to see that my son’s the beverage soon after he gets up. I drove back home with him, and he turned out to be my God-given son.”
“Then you must be happy, as my Maa is happy having me,” said the 
Professor, affectionately.
“I’m. But some people don’t like it. Their interest may be in my 
unhappiness.”
“Who’re they, how they’re linked with you?” the Professor tried to probe.
“They’re those who want me reconciled with Arup, and Arup himself’s jealous of Angshu.”
“How do you know?”
“Nilu’s made it clear to me.”
“Oh!”
“She often tells me ‘you’re harbouring a serpent, Arup’s concerned about your relation with Angshu.’ It isn’t acceptable, son.”
“It matters little if you can have faith on Angshu. They don’t understand. Forgive their ignorance,” the Professor tried to justify the relation.
“I know they don’t understand anything beyond materialism.”
“So, have faith on your wisdom. They’re not to understand why Siddhartha opted to renounce the throne and became the Buddha.”

Mollified, Anu sank into a reverie. The Professor, his gaze on the stationery ceiling fan, let her be in that state. He thought how the fan which generates cool air when the temperature’s high could also be an instrument of death for those who choose to be self-killers. He knows manic depression is characterized by alternating episodes of an elevated mood and depression. When the mood’s elevated i.e. in a state of mania, an individual feels abnormally happy, energetic, or irritable when poor decisions’re made due to unrealistic ideas or poor regard of consequences. The Professor knows psychotherapy’s a reliable treatment of the ailment. He called Sujata to his study and told her what he’d seen and perceived of the movement of Anu at dawn. He asked her to prevent Anu from going to the remote village on official duty, or to accompany her 
when she’s in such a state.

 “Is this a recurring phenomenon with her?” he would like to know.

“I don’t know exactly but her mood swings quite often,” she said.

“Is it the problem from her childhood?” he asked.

”No, No, not that. She’d like to talk, laugh heartily and was skipping about. She’s known as rocking & charming Anu. This problem set in after her failed love,” she informed

.“How do you say it’s failed love?” asked the Professor.
“She says it’s their mutual failure. She persuaded Arup to marry Mita.But I’ve doubts. “
“Grounds of your doubts?”
“Had her Thammi been not there to help her, she’d have been no more 
to be with us here today.”
“You mean she’s deceived herself and, overtly, still in self-deception?”
“She isn’t in the habit of accusing others for anything wrong. Rather she blames herself for being unable to cope with situations.”
“It’s heavenly of sorts, but human beings cannot be Mahadeva i.e., God-like to be able to absorb poison.” 
“How can she get rid of the problem?”
“Let’s think,” said the Professor, his posture grave.

Anu’s still in her reverie. Her mind traveled in the realms of clouds and descended back as Arup appeared in her thought. What does it mean? She’s confused. Will she respond to the advance of her former bf? Ne’er, she’s still certain. But human psyche’s unpredictable. (continued on 17^th July 2014)